Careful Caretaking
listening to:
Cursive - Mama, I'm swollen
mood:
searching
2009-04-18 - 8:32 a.m.
yeah, everybody leaves. no matter how much you care, everybody leaves. i babysat for my sister's kids several days over the past couple weeks as she is getting ready to bring in a new nanny. I started to bond with the two little, smart, beautiful humans. The older is a girl almost 4 years old. She is smart as whip and I had a ton of fun getting to know her on a caretaker level. We built a princess fort in the hillside, we made cookies and did kid's yoga. The little boy is just about 19 months. He has just come into his own and I am glad to have been witness and part of his growth over the past two weeks. We read books did puzzles, dancing to kids music. The 4 year old started to act out on my last day there. I think she was bummed that yet another caretaker was leaving her. (Her other nanny was let go a couple weeks ago.) She was mad in her own way. She didn't want another person that was her playmate, friend, authority, caretaker leave her. It saddened me. When I came home that last night, I took a bath and cried. Feeling like a child myself who had left someone I love dearly. I felt like I had hurt someone because our time together (as nanny and 4 year old) had come to an end. It must be so hard as a parent to know that each day you can never redo, or get back. And everyday is a defining moment between you and your kids.
Caretaking is exhausting. Whether it's my grandmother at a ripe 88 years old with Alzheimers or the kids at toddlerdom or preschool age. It is completely physically and emotionally exhausting. Trying to make sure everything is okay, taken care of, fed, cleaned, entertained, happy, safe --- takes all of me. Drains me.
My best friend's 20 year old niece died last weekend in a horrible boating accident in Florida. She and 11 others were coming back from a day at a reggae festival. On their way back, they hit a barge at a high rate of speed. 5 out of the 12 20 somethings died.
Lizzy. 20. She went out in a blaze of glory. I know she will be missed dearly. But I can only think about her mom. All that love, all that caretaking, all that careful decision making and emotion and bond. Gone. In an instant. Just like that.
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