Oh Nine!
listening to:
the hum of the computer
mood:
not here nor there
2009-02-03 - 10:46 a.m.
Been wanting to write for a couple months now. Seems there are too many outlets to write on or tend to that I rarely get to this site to create any entries. The past couple months have been strange and uncertain. I was laid off in early November. Took a trip to Hawaii the day after with my sister and her family. The last day there was a debacle which led to my sister and I having a major falling out which I don't think will ever fully recover. The rest of November was being sick for a week or so, then Thanksgiving. In December, I took a trip to Mexico for See and Sprout '08 in Sayulita and then to Puerto Vallarta for a relaxing vaca with the Roses for 4 days at a resort. Back in LA for the holidays. They were weird, being that my sister and I were not really speaking. Up to Santa Cruz for New Years '09. Stayed for about 10 days and upon returning to LA caught the most vicious cold lasting 3 solid weeks.
During the time that I had this horrible cold, I seemed to slip into a really bad depression. Realizing that I didn't want to go back to the office to continue the career that picked me. I came to the realization that I need to be actively moving in my next career.
Then, I found out that my best friend, age 40, got knocked up. She pondered for about 10 days as to what she wanted to do. I had daily, sometimes three times daily conversations with her about what if she kept it, what if she didn't. I started thinking about my own motherhood someday or someday past.
The day came and she decided to abort. I met her and her ex-boyfriend at the office and I apologized to them for not being able to be a pillar of strength. This abortion was hitting me in some deep dark abyss of memory and emotion. I was a mess. As soon as she slipped behind the door to have the procedure done, her ex reached over to me and started to cry and shake. I couldn't quite deal so I just kind of zoned out. Once it was over, I got into the car to go senior sit my grammy. I cried the entire hour ride in the car.
What if I had had that baby when I was 19? How would his life had changed? I am referring to my ex. The boy that I still have such a deep love for but am not allowed to see or talk to. After we terminated that baby, his life took a turn that he could have never expected. Drug abuse, jail, freedom and then back to jail. He is now sober and married and living quite the life as an artist. But it was killing me to think about, what if I had had that baby? What would we be like? heh. the grass is always greener isn't it?
Anyhow, been better the past couple days. Got into the gym yesterday. On my second week of bartending school. Researching Guam and thinking about moving there to work in a resort of sorts.
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