maudlin
listening to:
jimmy eat world- futures lofi
mood:
scattered
2005-09-30 - 10:11 p.m.
face it. feel it. endure it. reveal it. show me all the insecurities. bring em out. we will talk about em. how could i have faith? where is the spirituality? where is the center? on the wheel, can't seem to find the center. icing glazes my eyes... how i don't want to eat the cake. taketh away. they left when i didn't think they ever would, and so i leave everytime when it comes to something would resemble deep happiness. disenchanted. frustrated. peace corps? smile. dreamy. laughter come and visit and cover up all the deep darkness that plagues my blood. runners are running away, lifters are caught in narcissim, bicyclists can't decide what they want, so they keep riding. and you and you and you and you. fuck you. place your bets on me and you will lose. and the smart ones know. they mathimatically decipher that it won't work, and how do they sense, and how do i tell without saying a word? rant to me. tell me of your frantic test results. tell me that you were scared, for what? reveal your deepest darkest addiction, your fear of you. you ask, "what are you afraid of?" yea, me, i have told you before, i know what it is. i am afraid of edges. being on the fringe. left alone at the threshold to do what i feel is right. JUMP! take off. leave. why do i always leave? wishing you would run after me, so that when i see you there, i can say, no, this isn't right. weird. i am at a place i never expected to be. restless, relentless on my ego. hurtful. it turns in. cutting and sleeping and working out till my muscles hurt. and they say, its not that big of a deal... you have so much to be thankful for. walk through the film. dream of the lighthearted love. this is a bad idea. as i showered at the gym, i thought to myself, no, i won't. and the question was never asked and the book says the truth and i know it. and i am in some limbo of not here nor there, and yes i enjoy it, but not really. i think i am trying to pull myself out. i am trying to be everything i envision myself to be. i am not here. i am not here. where am i?
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