Dater Hater
listening to:
Jay Z
mood:
a don't care- care too much space
2007-01-04 - 9:23 a.m.
I set out goals for 2007 and emailed them to myself. They encompass mind, work, body, friends, dreams, and family. I didn't go so big as not to be able to achieve them- but I think they are all attainable with effort. Since the new year has come to pass (in all of its 3 brand new days), I feel like I am seeing things very clearly. I am feeling fearless. I am also feeling a lack of tolerence. Feeling like each moment is to be savored or tossed away.
I was supposed to go on a date last night. I cancelled in the middle of the day. I cancelled for a few reasons:
1) He wrote to me via email- "where are you thinking for dinner? My brother and friends will be at a swanky japanese restaurant, so if you want to do that we can, or if you want to do something closer to you that is fine too. " Okay- am i out of my mind or is he asking for ideas for a first date? Am I too traditional? I just want to be picked up and taken out. I don't want to pick the place or better yet- decide if we should go hang with your family and friends on the first date. Get in the Game!
2) He is a smoker. I quit smoking a year ago this week. I have had 3 cheating incidents- all within the month of november and december-- that means that I went all 10 months without a puff. It just so happens that the final and third cheating incident was with him- and his marlboro lights (in all their nasty glory). Honestly- I don't want to subject myself to hanging out with a smoker. It is a battle enough when no one in my life is smoking.
3)I am a bit overweight from where I feel comfortable. It is having a bit of an impact (as much as I tell myself I am beautiful and curvy and yummy) it is still affecting my self esteem- and I know- as much as the next first dater that you need to have your self esteem all pumped up and shiney for that evening of appetizer chatter and dessert decisions.
4) I deserve the absolute best. Call me a snob. Call me insensitive to those "nice guys" or rude to those "bad boys." But honestly. I have dicked around with people who I have fell in love with, learned from, had an epic time with but ultimately didn't work... and the lesson learned is this: I need to put time into the things I want. I need to take the energy spent on curiousity and put it into determination. I will try on this hat for a while and see what happens.
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