thick
listening to:
Emily Haines
mood:
babely
2006-12-04 - 11:45 p.m.
I am not sure that "thick" is ever a complimentary word to use when talking about someone's body. The times that I have heard it, it is not meant to be either critical or complimentary to the person who is being described. Instead it is more of a neutral description. Unlike, 'rocking hot body' or 'totally obese' or 'super skinny,' "Yeah, she was kinda thick, not bad, but you know, thick."Now. IF you know me, and you know me now.... you would know that being called thick would shock me into an eating disorder like nobody's business. I am simply body obsessed-- not that my body is anything to be obsessed about and if you saw it, you would think... "how can she workout so much and be so health oriented and have a body like that?" It's all dismorphia. I got it when I quit smoking. I left that horrible addiction behind to now instead be self obsessed with weight, muscle mass, body fat, omega3s, size 2, 4, 6, 8, 10- all I have been, and back in the past 2 years...
[I saw a large pair of fairly nice fake boobs in the gym tonight. Believe me... not all fake boobs are created equally... but at the club, you get to see some of the best in the business... sometimes you can't even tell they are fake, and the only way you can is simply deciding that they are too perfect to be real. seeing them makes me feel a little left out but mostly disgusted. I saw the wrinkles underneath her breast as she bent over to pick her shirt up from the floor. Like a big plastic bag sitting on her chest plate.]
My point being this... and how this all started. The boy called me 'thick and tight.' And instantly, I smiled, and then thought, "Uhg. Thick." And I thought of that woman in the club. How many bouts of feeling badly about her body did she have before going under the knife to get those suckers. And then I thought- 'he is so into my body and that should be enough proof that I am attractive and lovely and wanted and beautiful and adored and 'thick.' I guess I always picture my perfect self as a tiny size, mostly skinny with some muscles. BUT... I have stepped into the thick zone. Maybe I am supposed to rid myself of this dismorphia and just love me the way I am instead of getting all worked up when my sister asks, "are those your big jeans?- uh hum... they don't look like it."
It seems I get really lonely and I find friendship in my body... just like it has been my outlet for emotions not wanting to come out of my mouth, eyes, head. The body takes a beating and keeps going. Fascinating.
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