bye dakota
listening to:
the cure
mood:
getting sick- - can't be a great one.
2006-12-22 - 11:50 a.m.
wow. a couple days before christmas. here we are. here we are.
after the fury of weird anger on monday night, i recovered on tuesday only to arrive at my sister's house to find Dakota under the bed, barely breathing... not moving, on his very own death bed. Sister is in Hawaii for the week and I was scheduled for Tuesday as the day I would drive out to the Valley to feed and water the cats and collect the mail. I called sis to let her know the news and asked for instructions. It then hit me, that maybe i would have to be the one to 'put him down.'
As soon as I realized this I went into an emotional tailspin. She asked me if I could take him to the hospital to have him euthanized.
"I don't think I am prepared to put your cat down tonight," I said. I was crying, no, sobbing, a bit of hyperventilation. She was upset. I wasn't helping the situation. She asked if I could 'step up' make it happen. I told her I needed 15 minutes to compose myself, and, "yes" I could manage. BFF called in the midst of the back and forth from Bangkok. I decided to call my touchstone, B. He always knows how to make me laugh in emotional situations and in turn makes me calm. We talked for a minute and he assured me it was going to be fine. I was calm I hung up the phone. I grabbed a bath towel from the cupboard. Which one to grab? I couldn't decide. I chose off-white plush as opposed to the Ron Jon surf shop beach towel. I figured, when you are dying you should have the absolute best. I went into the bedroom, layed down on the floor, looked under the bed and said, "okay buddy, let's do this." I reached towards him, and wiggled closer but the bed was too low to the floor (at the time I cursed myself for being to fat not to fit under it), and he was just out of my reach. Uhg. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and decided to take an impromptu video of the moment. I guess I just needed to share it with the potential of someone being there.
After the 1 minute of weird video clip, I fiigured my only option was to attempt to move the bed. I grabbed the upper corner and gave a tug. Oh MAN! This sucker is heavy! I started to panic. I was getting hot, worked up. How else would I get him out? I thought if I grabbed him, he would fall apart. Tears started to come again. I began to gather up every bit of physical and emotional energy and managed move the bed so that i could get to him. Once hovering over him, I maneuvered his frail skinny cold body onto the towel and as instructed said a few things. I told him that his owners loved him. I told him that I was sorry he had to go this way. I told him that he was going to go to kitty heaven and see tanner, elwood, francis, felix, max and all the others that are there. I told him he would be able to play with mice and laser pointers and run free and happy. I was petting his head and he looked at me in a hazy, calm, sleepy way. It was time to leave. I tried to find Luna (the other cat) to say goodbye, and when I did- she was too scared out of her mind to come out and even be curious. She knew what was going on. She knew he was dying. Cats can sense that, and they sense it is danger.
I got him into the car and we went down to the ChatOak pet hospital. The technician opened the door for me. Before I knew it, I paid 85 bucks, and went into exam room 4. They brought Dakota into the room and placed him on the metal table, still wrapped in the plush towel I had brought him in. I looked down at him and started to cry- tears fell onto the metal table. He looked at me with recognition and began to purr when i scratched under his chin. The vet said that it would only take a minute. And as she injected him, i rubbed his head and quietly said goodbye litte fella.
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