skate-break
listening to:
fix you (coldplay X&Y)
mood:
you will see.
2005-06-20 - 10:29 p.m.
scattered and fried. not to be confused with scrammbled or over easy- though, they both might work. 'start with eggs.'
we drove by the new santa monica skatepark today. the one i have been drooling over for months. the one that i had fantasies about rolling around on. even with full pads and helmet. the one that is 3 blocks from my house, filled with fun concrete. but i hung up my skateboard recently. maybe someday, (seems very far off since i can't even walk), maybe someday i would be able to partake in that park. and we didn't even stop. not everyone shares that passion with me. not everyone could sit at a skatepark for hours on hours with a journal in hand and write and whistle when a good trick is landed. no, not everyone shares that with me.
a deep dark self hate invaded me. a scared, powerful thought of being done with all of this waltzed around my head. dark. lonely. safe. all came together and left in the same breath. i hate those when they come. they scare me. i know where they can go and i just want to turn around and run, run! how do you break up with the things you love? how do you end things when you know there are good and bad feelings surrounding all of it? cons must outweigh the pros. and you must be firm and diligent and follow through. how do you take care of yourself while feeding your vices and doing the right things? and balance should come naturally. and i try. i swear i do. i think i just need to be under water again. dive deep inside. figure out what the hell i am doing. its light and happy on the surface and i know i am wilting underneath. how to come back? water. plenty of water.
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