somewhere.
listening to:
mood:
2001-10-11 - 9:03 p.m.
breathing. Its so dark in here. I can only hear my breath and my heart. Its so cold too. My fingertips numb, my nose chilled. Breathing� if there was light I would be able to see the soft warm air collide with the icy, but i can�t even see my hand in front of my face, I�m curled up, knees to chest, huddled in a space, not quite sure where. My ken of life and history has evaporated. I am alone. I am not frightened. I am relaxed. Its so black here. How did I get here?Secrets are floating around my head. Soundtracks play to memories. Feeling isolated, content. There is no drive to move from this place, except its so cold, so cold I realize I can�t move. I am still; preserving any life left inside. Where am I? I am timeless, I have seen years beyond my own. The air is not clean. It is filled with scents I am not familiar with. it smells of time. Age old lessons. People�s thoughts; the ones that are never spoken but are heard so clearly. Its so very silent. There is no movement. Just my heart beating slowly and my lungs releasing air. I touch my arm, its luke-warm and wet, I can only deduct that I am bleeding. There is no pain, so I must not be hurt.
I wish I had a lighter. I have a cigarette, my last one� but no fire. I lost it along the way, however I got here. Where is that cigarette?
I have decided to sing. Words I never remembered are flowing from inside. There is no sound though. I can�t hear myself sing, I know all the words though, I don�t even know what song this is, but lyrics are freely pouring without thought. This is not me. I cannot see back or forward, its all in this moment, this moment of cold darkness, heart beating, body breathing.
�Its okay sweetie� I am here for you, I will always be here for you.� There is no one here. Where did that come from? I just heard that, and now, I feel unstable. Something must be wrong, they said, �its okay�� What is wrong? Am I on some drug? I can�t tell. This confusion has now made me uncomfortable. Turn on the lights! I can�t see, there is nothing to hear except my heart, my breath, and the weight of years and years of silent thoughts. I am frantic, I can�t move, I can�t talk out loud. I am panicked. I want to scream, �help me! I need your help� can you help me?� Nothing comes out.
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